Welcome to another edition of “Don’t Send These Mails”!

Today, we will draft mails requesting our manager for a day off. I have to warn you though, try any of the stunts being performed here and not only will you receive the day off, but the following days as well.

It’s a special event called “The layoff”. You won’t find it anywhere in the calendar – you have to be extra special to receive it.

Welcome to Corporate

Corporate is nothing like highschool or college.

To make it in corporateland, you always have to be on the lookout for opportunities to get ahead, but that is not all.

You also have to be mindful of the mails you draft.

But Why Mails?

Mails are the bloodlines of corporations.

Sure, people prefer face to face conversations over communicating through a flashing screen, but do realize that you aren’t conversing with friends over a cup of coffee.

They are colleagues, and some of these colleagues are in positions so high above the stratosphere that only your mails have the thrust necessary to reach them.

Also you can’t converse with people in positions of authority like they are your best buds.

You can muse about the meaning of life, and whine about not getting paid enough with your friends and family, but not with your managers for reasons too obvious to mention.

So does that mean I have to tailor my messages when taking leaves?

Lets see what our manager has to say about that.

Hi Manager,

I’ve decided to take the day off.

Kind Regards,
SAE

Looks like he has responded. Let’s have a look.

Hi SAE,

I’ve decided to take the day off as well, and I have included proper comments wherever required so that my manager won’t have any problem approving my leave request, because you know, that’s how it works.

Kind Regards,

Manager

What is he trying to tell us?

It’s almost as if we can’t just take leaves, but request for them…

which means any excuse will do right?

Hi Manager,

I’ve decided to take the day off because I fractured my leg.

Kind Regards,
SAE

Now I can shut off my lapto- huh? What’s this…

Hi SAE,

I’m sorry to hear that you fractured your leg just moments after drafting a mail stating that you will be taking the day off without any proper comments.
It’s almost as if you were lying.

Kind Regards,
Manager

Can you believe this?

I tell him that I fractured my leg and this is how he responds.

If lying about it isn’t going to work, then I have to think of something else.

Hi Manager,

I’ve decided to take the day off, because I lost my grandmother…
ten years ago and I am still grieving over the loss.

Kind Regards,
SAE

Hey, atleast I didn’t lie this time.

Hi SAE,

I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope your grandmother has found solace in the afterlife.
Well it’s been ten years, so I’m pretty sure your Grandmother has adjusted by now, unlike a certain someone who is trying to use his own Grandmother as an excuse to take the day off.

Kind Regards,
Manager

Oh the nerve of him to say that!

He accused me of something I clearly didn’t do. My grandmother passed away ten year ago right after I fractured my leg and it doesn’t help to add insult to injury.

Now that I think about it my grandmother also suffered a fractured leg so I guess it runs in the family, except no one is running now.

Wait I got it!

Hi Manager,

I would like to take the day off, so please approve it.

Kind Regards,
SAE

I just had to be nice about it.

Hi SAE,

I see you’ve learnt some manners, however I still don’t see any proper comments.
And please – no more lies.

Kind Regards,
Ashwin A.K

WHAT?

I try being nice and this is what I get? Managers these days are so entitled!

Fine, I’ll play along and add “comments”.

Hi Manager,

I would like to take the day off because I am not feeling too well.

Kind Regards,
SAE

Yeah, that ought to do the work, and if it doesn’t then I am eating my shoe.

Hi SAE,

I’m sorry to hear that.
All that lying must have made you sick.

Kind Regards,
Manager

I can’t give up now!

I am this close to getting what I want and I will regret it if I turn back now.

Ok, got a little dramatic there.

Let me channel that energy into drafting my last and final mail.

Hi Manager,

I’ve been working late for the past three days, and was really exhausted when I woke up today.
I was hoping you would let me take the day off so that I can get some much needed rest otherwise I might burnout and end up in the hospital.

Kind Regards,
SAE

Nothing like a bit of emotional blackmail to stitch everything together.

Well that’s unfortunate.

We sometimes get so caught up in our heads that we believe that the world owes us something just because.

You don’t always get what you want, because reality operates on its own terms.

Some things are just out of your control and getting upset over it isn’t going to solve anything.

I guess its time I count my losses and do what any reasonable adult would do, which is to scream at the top of my lungs and blame everyone for my problems before getting back to work.